Darrin Stephens, Old Maid
by BobH2
Summary: In the season one episode 'Pleasure O'Riley' (1.25) written by Ken Englund, Samantha turns Darrin into an old lady. She turns him back again soon after...but what if she couldn't?
1. Chapter 1

\- 1 -

It had started for Darrin and Samantha Stephens when their new neighbor had woken them in the middle of the night, visibly distraught. Priscilla 'Pleasure' O'Riley had moved into a house on Morning Glory Circle less than twenty-four hours earlier. Now she had learned that her insanely jealous ex-boyfriend Thor 'Thunderbolt' Swenson, the Pennsylvania Manglers' offensive full back - "very offensive" according to Pleasure - had managed to get her new address from her moving man and was on his way to Morning Glory Circle. Since Pleasure's phone had not yet been connected, Darrin offered to call the police then told her to go home and lock all her doors and windows. Samantha had offered to stay with her while he did so, which is how the two women now found themselves together at Pleasure's house, waiting for either Thunderbolt or the police to turn up at her front door.

Samantha understood all too well how someone like Pleasure could have acquired a would-be suitor like Thunderbolt. Men were attracted to her like bees to honey, even Darrin, and it was easy to see why. With her spectacular curves and natural sexiness she was pure catnip to them. Yet there was an innocence to Pleasure that made it impossible for Samantha to hold this against her. Flirting with men came as naturally to her as breathing. It was something she seemed to barely even realise she was doing. The girl was completely without guile. Had she not been a redhead she would have been labelled a dumb blonde, a term that Samantha, as both a blonde and someone who was anything but dumb, had always found highly offensive.

They heard a car pull up outside. A sports car by the sound of it, which meant it wasn't the police but Thunderbolt Swenson. This was it. Within seconds he was hammering on the door. Samantha answered it, and there stood Thunderbolt. Great Merlin he was tall! And wide! And also kind of good looking.

"Yes?" she said, smiling sweetly.

"Sorry, lady," he said, looking puzzled. "Guess I got the wrong house."

"It appears you did. Goodnight."

She turned and made to close the door, but Thunderbolt blocked her.

"Well he...he said it was the first house on the right."

He pointed to Darrin and Samantha's house.

"Does a beautiful girl live next door?"

"You might say that," she said, smiling.

"The most beautiful girl in the whole world?"

Samantha batted her eyelashes at him, enjoying this.

"Well, I wouldn't go that far."

"Have you seen a man over there?"

"Yes, indeed. A very good-looking one!"

Thunderbolt had looked like he was about to explode since he got there. Now he did. He slammed his fist into the palm of his other hand.

"I'll kill him!" he snarled.

Only as the enraged man stormed over to their home did Samantha realise what she had done. Whatever had possessed her to act as she had? She chased after Thunderbolt, but he was already at their house, banging his fist angrily on the front door. He looked like he was ready to knock Darrin's block off, and Samantha liked her husband's block just where it was. Hastily, and blindly, she cast a spell on the man inside the house.

And nothing would ever be the same again.

\- 2 -

Darrin had just got off the phone with the local police when someone started hammering on the front door. Now what, he wondered, as he went to answer it.

"Okay buddy...," said the giant he opened it to, "oh, excuse me, grandma."

"Grandma? Who do you think you're talking to?"

"Maybe I'm all mixed up but doesn't Miss Pleasure O'Riley live here?"

"Who wants to know?" demanded Darrin, still grumpy from having been woken from his sleep.

"Well, they said the first house on the right. You turn into the street and that's next door where I just been."

"Did it ever occur to you it might be the first house on the left as you come from the opposite direction?

"Yeah," said Thunderbolt, rubbing his chin, "I didn't think about that."

"Well the next time get your directions straight before you come waking people up in the middle of the night!"

"I'm sorry."

"You oughtta be, you big bully!"

Darrin slammed the door in Thunderbolt's face, turned, and smiled. He had stood up to the brute, and it felt good. Then he frowned.

"Grandma?"

What the heck had Thunderbolt meant by *that*? And why were his limbs aching so much? Also, was it his imagination or was he shorter? Suddenly suspicious, he crossed to the hallway mirror. Staring back at him from it was a bespectacled, grey-haired old woman in her seventies.

"Samantha!"

"I'm here, darling."

She had magically appeared behind him. As he turned and she got her first proper look at her husband she started laughing.

"Oh, my!" she said, putting her hand to her mouth.

"Is this your idea of a joke?"

"I'm sorry, darling," she cooed soothingly, "but you *do* look sweet - another Whistler's Mother."

"Never mind that, do something - NOW!"

"Alright, alright - don't get cranky."

Samantha did a mystical pass with her arms. Nothing happened. "Well?" said Darrin, impatiently.

Samantha frowned.

"That should've worked. Let me try something else."

She did another mystical pass, and this time Darrin was engulfed in smoke. When it cleared he was back to his old self.

"Samantha, what *am* I going to do with you?"

She grinned mischievously.

"Oh, I'm sorry darling, but I did it for your own good. Besides, you make an adorable grandma."

Her tone was light, but he could see Samantha was puzzled that it had taken her two attempts to change him back. All Darrin cared about was that she had. But this was something for her to fret over tomorrow, not now. He yawned.

"Time we were back in bed," he said.

The next morning, after showering, shaving, and dressing, Darrin went downstairs and found Samantha sitting at the kitchen table reading The Star Dispatch. 'PASSION'S PLAYTHING!' read the headline, 'Pro Fullback "Thunderbolt" Thor Swenson Arrested in Love Triangle'. Darrin grimaced. He had collected the paper from the lawn earlier and so had already read the story. It appeared that after he had sent Thunderbolt away the great big galoot had gone over to the Kravitz house and, following some sort of misunderstanding, had punched out Abner Kravitz just in time to be arrested by the police, who had finally arrived on the scene.

"Gladys Kravitz, passion's plaything!" said Samantha, chuckling at the front page photos of their nosey neighbor, Thor, and Abner. "How about that?"

Darrin let out a chuckle of his own.

"Morning Glory Circle will never be the same."

Someone knocked on their front door. It was Pleasure.

"Hi, Darrin!" she said brightly, sweeping past him.

"Hi?" he replied, dubiously.

"Oh, hi, Mrs Stephens! Gee, I hope I'm not disturbing you."

"No, not at all. We were beginning to wonder where you were."

Samantha's dry tone sailed right over her head. Pleasure was all smiles. She was clearly excited about something. Sighing, Samantha went over to a cupboard and took out another cup and saucer.

"I've been at that awful police court. Although the judge couldn't have been sweeter, I must admit I cried a little."

"Oh, that must've helped," said Darrin, pouring her a coffee.

"So did that outfit," said Samantha.

Pleasure was wearing a form-fitting little green dress with a matching 'pillbox' hat.

"Oh, do you like it?" she squealed. "I'm so glad, Mrs Stephens! Oh, and Darrin, hooray, hooray, our worries with Thunderbolt are all over! My lawyer just got a court order so now he's got to stay away from me."

"But don't you still have ten ex-boyfriends left?" asked Samantha.

Pleasure ignored her.

"Oh, and Darrin, my insurance company's gonna pay for poor Mr Kravitz's new bridge work. Oh, and Darrin, you wanna hear something wild?! So many newspaper photographers took pictures of me while I was on the stand that guess what?"

Darrin looked at Samantha, who shrugged.

"I give up," he said.

"The mayor called me personally to offer me a contract to be Miss Urban Renewal!"

Her delight at this development was so obvious it would have been cruel to laugh, so they didn't.

"Which reminds me, I've got to get measured for my new civic center bikini. Boy, I can't tell you two how much I appreciate last night. Darrin, how can I ever repay you?"

"You don't owe him a thing," said Samantha.

Someone hammered on front door.

"Who's that?" said Darrin, exasperated. He needed to head off to work and had not had any breakfast yet. The last thing they needed was another visitor.

"Thunderbolt, who else?" said Pleasure.

"He's back?!"

"He's gonna drive me to the mayor's office. He goes everywhere with me. Would you believe something - he's so unreasonable he doesn't even trust our mayor!"

"I know our mayor. There's nothing unreasonable about that," said Samantha, recalling how much effort it had taken by her and others recently to get a traffic light installed at a busy local intersection.

Darrin opened the door to Thunderbolt, who entered then gave him a surprised look.

"Boy, you sure look a lot like your grandma!"

"I don't think so," said Darrin.

Samantha put her hand to her mouth, suppressing a giggle.

"Ready, Pleasure?" said Thunderbolt.

"Ready. Well goodbye everyone. Thanks ever so, Darrin," she said. "You, too, Mrs Stephens," she added as an afterthought.

"I thought they'd never leave," said Darrin after they had. "They barely left me any time to eat breakfast."

"I'm sure Larry Tate won't mind if you're a little late, darling."

"No can do, Sam. I've got an important meeting with a new client that McMann & Tate has been trying to land and I can't be late for that. Still, I..."

He stopped mid-sentence, the color draining from his face.

"Darrin?"

"Sam, I...I feel really strange, I..."

There was a sudden, familiar flash of smoke. When it cleared Darrin was once again the old woman he had briefly been during the night, complete with glasses and nineteenth century garb.

"Sam, what's happening?" he cried in a quivering, old lady voice, clutching his shawl fearfully.

"I..I don't know. Let me put it right."

She made a mystical gesture.

Nothing happened.

She tried a different one.

Nothing happened.

She tried a third.

Still nothing happened.

"Darrin," she said slowly, "I think we need help."


	2. Chapter 2

\- 3 -

"Samantha, whatever have you done?" said Endora, examining her transformed son-in-law closely.

"That's just it mother, I don't know. My first pass last night should've worked. I used the universal reset spell that restores an object or person to their original form. It's one of the first spells we learn. Magic doesn't get more basic than that. When it didn't work I used another transformation spell to turn Darrin into, well, Darrin. But it obviously didn't take properly, and half an hour ago it failed."

"Wait, what's this about different types of spells?" asked Darrin. "I thought you waved your arms and stuff just magically happened for you."

"What you don't know about magic would fill an ocean, young man," said Endora. "Our magical power may be part of us but of course we use spells to direct it. We just don't verbalise them. Well, most of us don't. Clara has reached the point where she's having to sound them out. Then there are the children..."

"Is this really the time to be explaining this stuff?" said Samantha.

"No, you're right," said Endora, "so let's get back to your husband. Why make him an old woman in the first place? I mean, yes, I understand you transforming Dobbin into someone this Mr Thunderbolt whatshisname wouldn't assault, but why an old woman? Why not a young child?"

"Yes, why, Sam?" said Darrin, his tone indignant. "I'd like to know the answer to that one myself."

Unlike the others he was sitting in an armchair because his joints ached and standing for any length of time was something he now found too tiring.

"I don't know why," said Samantha, biting her lip, "it just popped into my head in the heat of the moment."

"Well, whatever you did is beyond my ability to undo," said Endora. "This looks like a job for Doctor Bombay."

"Doctor who?"

"Oh, that's right, you haven't met him yet have you, darling," said Samantha. "Doctor Bombay is a warlock who specialises in magical maladies, arcane ailments, and sorcerous sicknesses. If anyone can fix this he can."

Endora drew herself up and chanted:

"Calling Dr. Bombay, calling Dr. Bombay. Emergency, come right away."

There was a flash of smoke and the doctor appeared in the room. He was younger than Darrin expected, brown-haired, movie-star handsome, and dressed in a sharp suit.

"Andrew?" said Samantha, frowning. "Where's Dr. Bombay?"

So this wasn't the doctor. Whoever he was, Samantha obviously knew him.

"Good to see you too, Samantha," he said. His accent was English.

Like most Americans, Darrin was only aware of three English accents: posh, cockney, and the Beatles' Liverpool one. Having recently seen Dick van Dyke's impressive performance in the new Mary Poppins movie he now recognised cockney and this wasn't that, nor did Andrew sound like Ringo. Which meant this suave newcomer must be a posh Limey. Fine, but Darrin was none too pleased by how he was looking at Samantha.

"Dr. Bombay's on sabbatical at a Tibetan retreat recharging his powers."

"Oh, that's right!" said Endora, slapping her forehead. "How could I have forgotten? Do you know when we can expect to see him again, Andrew?"

"Not for another year or so. I've been covering for him while he's away."

"Isn't anyone going to introduce us?" Darrin asked, testily.

"Oh, sorry, where are my manners? I'm Andrew Fortnum, and you must be the patient. Please don't get up on my account."

They shook hands.

"Darrin Stephens. Samantha's husband."

"Yes, quite. You seem to be caught in a bit of a pickle." "Yeah, you could say that."

"Well, let's have a good look and you and see if we can't work out what's gone wrong, eh?"

He reached into the inside pocket of his immaculately tailored suit jacket, took out a pair of glasses, and donned them. These were no ordinary spectacles, as Darrin soon realised. Rather than the doctor's eyes, what he saw when he looked into the lenses were swirling patterns similar to those you see in the bottom of a kaleidoscope.

"Oh dear," said Andrew eventually.

"Oh dear? That doesn't sound good."

"I'm afraid it isn't."

"What is it, Andrew?" asked Samantha, biting her lip again.

"There's a reason why your reset spell didn't work, Sam," he said, "the same reason they usually don't work."

"But the only time that happens is when the person or object is already in their natural form so there's nothing to reset."

"Oh my," said Endora, "does that mean this is what I think it is?"

"What?" said Darrin, his eyes flashing from one person to the other. Samantha was looking at the floor and wouldn't meet his gaze. "What does this mean? Please tell me somebody!"

"What it means," said Endora, pursing her lips, "is this is now your natural form, not your transformed one. Somehow the two got switched. Which by all the laws of magic should be impossible."

"But you can switch them back right, doc."

"I'm afraid I don't know how to. No one does."

"There's only ever been one known case like this," said Endora, "and that was centuries ago, before Samantha was born. A warlock who had taken a mortal wife and wanted to stay with her forever was trying to make her immortal. In his quest he transformed her many times until eventally, somehow, the same thing that happened to you happened to her and she found herself locked in one of those other forms."

"'Locked'," said Darren. "What exactly do you mean by 'locked'?"

"She means you're immune to transformation magic," explained Andrew. "Not only is this now your natural form but no one can transform you in any way. Sam's spell turning you into Darrin only lasted as long as it did because your body hadn't yet fully settled into this form. Now it has."

"So that's it?! You're telling me I'm stuck as an old lady forever?!"

"You'll live out your normal mortal span just as the warlock's wife did but, yes, this is now you as you'll always be. In her haste to protect you from a beating Samantha made an error of some sort in her spell. By a million-to-one chance, it must be the same error the warlock made all those centuries ago. Dr Bombay tried to put things right back then. He took copious notes, conducted countless experiments, but he was never able to replicate the offending spell. I went over all that material as part of my studies with him. He was very thorough. Try as I might I couldn't think of a way of tackling the problem that he hadn't already tried. I'm awfully sorry, Darrin."

This was all Samantha's fault. No matter how many times he told her not to she still found excuses to use magic. In his anger and his fear Darrin would have lashed out at his wife then, but she looked so crestfallen that he bit his tongue instead.

"I'm going to take Durwood away and do something about those dreadful clothes she's wearing," said Endora, shrewdly reading the tensions in the room. "Take care of my daughter while we're gone, would you please Andrew?"

With that she waved her arms in the air and the two of them vanished.

\- 4 -

"You referred to me as 'she'!" protested Darrin when they appeared at their destination.

"Yes, I did," said Endora, "because it's now the correct gender pronoun for you. Weren't you listening when Andrew explained everything?"

"Of course I was and..." He stopped as it dawned on him where they were. "Say, this is our upstairs guest room. You only transported us twenty feet, Endora."

"Exactly. Now be quiet for a minute and let me think. Hmmm."

Once again she waved her arms, and Darrin found himself wearing a sleeveless, boat-necked floral pattern dress that fell straight from his shoulders to mid-calf, and shoes with a chunky one-inch heel.

"What is this," he said, looking down at himself, "and what the heck am I wearing underneath? It feels really weird."

"That's an age-appropriate dress for a mortal woman of your years, and what you have on beneath it is a body-shaping corselette with garter straps that your elasticated stockings are clipped to."

"But why?"

"Because in the first place you're now a woman," said Endora. "You're also one in the second place, and when we reach a certain age we girls need help keeping everything where it should be. I assume you've looked under your clothing before now?"

"Well, yeah. I went to the bathroom just before you got here and checked everything out. I still hoped it might all be a bad dream but I'm a woman alright, and an old one at that."

"Exactly, so however unfamiliar your new underwear might be, doesn't it feel better to have your breasts and belly properly supported?"

"I guess," Darrin replied, grudgingly. Then he noticed his Victorian clothing lying on the bed.

"I thought you'd just transformed what I was wearing but here it is," he said, picking it up. "What gives, Endora?"

"I can no more transform that clothing than I can transform you. It also resulted from Samantha's spell, remember? So instead I swapped it out for the clothes you're wearing and laid it aside for Andrew to examine. He can test it to destruction if he needs to, after all, and he may discover something useful in the process. Still, it is odd."

"What is?"

"That Samantha should have made you look like Whistler's Mother rather than someone more modern."

"Sam made the very same comparison."

"I can't imagine what was going through that girl's mind when she cast her spell. Right, I shall need your glasses, too."

"Why?"

"Because they were also created by the spell."

Reluctantly, Darren passed them to her.

"I had perfect 20-20 vision," he said, "now everything is super blurry without them."

"Take these," said Endora, handing him a substitute pair she had just summoned up. "Same prescription but more contemporary frames. Now let's see about the rest of your wardrobe."

Endora stood before the empty closet, made a gesture, and it was suddenly fully stocked. There were coats and dresses on hangers, hats and purses on the overhead shelf, and rows of shoes on the floor.

"You'll also find underwear, hosiery, nightdresses and the like in the chest of drawers."

"What, no pants?" said Darrin, staring at the contents of the closet in dismay.

"A woman your age wouldn't be caught dead in pants. They're terribly unflattering to the older, thicker figure."

"But why put the clothes here? Why not in the closets in the master bedroom?"

"Oh dear me, no," said Endora. "I don't know what story you and Samantha will concoct to explain where her husband has gone and why an elderly female relative is now living here, but you'll have to maintain the illusion that you're a guest in this house. Anything else just wouldn't do. It wouldn't do at all."

Darrin was still dealing with the shock of his transformation so had not thought that far ahead, but Endora had a point.

"I guess I can see that," he reluctantly conceeded.

"Now grab a hat and coat. Oh, and a purse - no woman would go anywhere without her purse. We have to do something about your hair, and I know the perfect place."

"What's wrong with my hair?"

"Oh darling, *everything's* wrong with your hair! Undo that bun and it will be long, lank, and shapeless. Now, come along."

Reluctantly, Darrin selected a hat, a purse, and one of the coats from the closet, all of them mid-calf length, and the pair set off once again.

Not long afterwards, they could be found reclining side-by-side in chairs at the swanky beauty salon on New York's Fifth Avenue that Endora had transported them to. Their hair having been cut and styled, both now had their heads encased in the large, ovoid dryers that were gently drying that hair.

"So," said Darrin, "Andrew Fortnum. How does he know Samantha?"

"Must we?"

"Yes, Endora, we must."

"Oh, very well. He and Samantha dated for several years until, a decade ago, Andrew decided to accept a position as Dr Bombay's apprentice. This meant being sequestered away from the world for many years and committing totally to the doctor. I think Andrew expected Samantha to wait for him, but then she met you."

"Do I detect a slight note of disapproval towards Andrew in your tone?"

"Yes, but only because of his age. He's awfully young, barely a century old, but then my daughter always did have a taste for younger men. Still, deciding to apprentice to Dr Bombay proved he wasn't the callow youth he sometimes seemed to be, so perhaps I misjudged him."

"I'm intrigued by this Dr Bombay. Does your community have a lot of doctors specialising in magical ailments?"

"Some, but none as learned or as dedicated to their calling as he is."

"Do you know what made him so committed to it."

"Oh dear, I thought you'd have worked that out for yourself. Dr Bombay is the warlock who tried and failed to make his mortal wife immortal."


	3. Chapter 3

\- 5 -

Ordinarily it would have been lovely to catch up with all that Andrew had been doing since last she saw him, but Samantha was so consumed with guilt at what she had done to her husband that she found it hard to concentrate on what he was saying.

"I'm sorry...what?" she said.

Andrew sighed. They were seated next to each other on the sofa so he took her hands in his.

"You've heard hardly anything I've said since you phoned Darrin's employers to tell them he has influenza and won't be coming in, have you?"

"No, I haven't. I'm sorry, Andrew, but I'm finding it impossible to concentrate. Darrin and mother have been gone for hours. Do you think they're alright?"

"I'm positive they are. Endora is a powerful witch. She won't let any harm come to him."

"She doesn't have to. I've already taken care of that myself."

"Sam, Sam, you have to stop beating yourself up over this. It was an accident. It could've happened to anyone."

"Yes, but it didn't. It happened to my husband and I'm the one responsible. A witch always knows if someone has put a spell on her, and no one did. This was me and only me. I should've been more careful."

"Sounds like they're back," said Andrew, cocking his head.

A few seconds later Darrin and Endora came down the stairs. He was wearing a floral pattern dress and his hair had been cut and styled. For an old lady his age he looked nice, but Samantha wanted the virile young man she married back. Darrin opened his mouth to speak only for someone to choose that exact moment to knock on the front door.

"Our cue to exit stage left, I think, Andrew," said Endora, and with that they were gone.

Darrin shrugged, and Samantha sighed. Talk about awful timing. She went to the door and opened it to a beaming Pleasure O'Riley who swept by her and into the house.

"I did it, Mrs Stephens!" she said. "I got measured for my civic center bikini, and it went like a dream! All the men there were very complimentary!"

"I'm sure they were," said Samantha. "I'm very happy for you, Pleasure."

That was when Pleasure saw Darrin.

"Oh, aren't you just the cutest thing!" she squealed, coming over and hugging him. "Thunderbolt told me he met Mr Stephens' grandma."

"I know I look a bit like him, but I'm not Darrin's grandmother," he said.

"You're not? But you told Thunderbolt you were."

"No, he told *me* I was. There's a difference."

"Well, if you're not Mr Stephens' grandma then who are you?"

"I'm his, ah, great aunt Edith, his mother's aunt. I'm over here visiting from, um, Australia."

"Where is Mr Stephens, anyway?" she asked, looking around. "I was hoping to see him."

"I'm know you were," said Samantha, "but Mr Stephens has come down with the flu and is in bed, so we mustn't disturb him."

"Oh, the poor thing. Well, tell him I stopped by and give him my regards."

And with that she swept out again leaving Darrin and Samantha alone.

"Your great aunt Edith?" said Samantha. "Where did *that* come from?"

"Edith Morgendorffer. She was my mother's favorite aunt, *her* mother's youngest sibling. She used to babysit mom and read all of L. Frank Baum's Oz books to her."

"What happened to Edith?"

"She and her fiance emigrated to Australia, but split up before they could get hitched. No one on this side of the world has heard from her in decades."

"I'm so sorry, Darrin," said Samantha, "about what happened to you, I mean."

"I know Sam, I know."

He stopped talking then and she just looked at him, not knowing what else to say.

"What are we going to do?" he said, eventually.

"I don't know, my darling, I really don't."

\- 6 -

Andrew Fortnum dropped in on them every day the following week, both to examine Darrin and to comfort Samantha. Darrin had grudgingly submitted to these examinations so far, but he balked at what Andrew was suggesting now.

"A gynecological examination?!" he said in disbelief. "Look, Andrew, I've let you examine me all over now and even stripped naked for you twice, but you've got to leave a fellow some dignity."

"I understand how difficult this must be for you, Darrin, but if we're to have any chance at all of undoing this I daren't leave any stone unturned. Before this I only had Dr Bombay's notes to look at, but having an actual victim to examine gives me a greater chance of uncovering something he may have missed."

"And the transformed clothing Endora passed along to you didn't help?"

"No, I'm afraid not. Inanimate cloth is not the same as a living, breathing person."

Samantha had so far been quiet during this exchange, but now she piped up.

"If there's any chance at all of this helping then I think you should do what Andrew's asking, honey," she said. "I want my husband back."

He looked at them both for a moment, then sighed.

"Fine, fine. What's one more indignity on top of all the others I've suffered so far?"

"I promise to be as gentle with you as I can," said Andrew. "I'll start with a detailed inspection of your vaginal area, then I'll need to give you a full cervical examination."

Darrin saw Samantha wince at this and he knew why. No woman wants to hear the terms 'vaginal inspection' and 'cervical examination' used in connection with her husband.

"OK, let's get this over with," he said.

Andrew led him upstairs to the guest room where Darrin now slept.

"Remove everything except for your bra and your slip and lie on the bed, please," he said when they got there.

Darrin did as instructed, but no sooner had he laid down on his bed than Andrew made a mystical pass and the bed was transformed.

"Hey, what is this?" demanded Darrin. He had been hoisted higher and was now in some sort of contraption that spread his legs.

"Those are gynecological stirrups," said Andrew, positioning a chair between his legs. "They're designed to make internal examination of female patients easier. Now just relax. This will all soon be over."

"I certainly hope so."

Andrew's inspection was as gentle as he had promised it would be, but that didn't make it any less embarrassing for Darrin. Having another man touch him down there was something he found deeply humiliating.

"Right, now the cervical examination," said Andrew, reaching into his medical bag. Darrin's eyes went wide when he saw what he pulled out of it. It looked like a medieval torture device.

"What in God's name is that contraption?!" he cried.

"It's called a speculum. It will hold your vagina open and allow me to give you a proper internal examination."

"And these get used on women all the time!?"

"Why, yes."

"Then they're a lot braver as a gender than I thought they were."

Though he carried on complaining, Darrin allowed Andrew to insert the speculum into his body and to carry out the examination. When this was done, he reverted the bed to its usual form.

"OK, I'm going downstairs now to sit with Samantha. Get dressed, and when you join us I'll share my findings with the both of you."

After he had finished putting his clothes back on, Darren went to his dressing table. There among the cosmetics Endora had conjured up and which he had no intention of ever using, lay two tickets. He picked them up and stared at them sadly for a moment before heading out. Half way down the stairs he paused to watch Andrew and Samantha. They were talking about the time Andrew was away rather than Darrin's condition and Samantha was actually smiling. Engineering a final break-up between Pleasure O'Riley and Thunderbolt Swenson and then playing cupid to Pleasure and her driving instructor Harold Harold had provided a welcome distraction for her earlier in the week, but this the first time he had seen Samantha smile since his transformation.

"Ah, Darrin," said Andrew, noticing him, "please join us and I'll update you both on the current state of my investigations."

When he joined them, Andrew launched into an account of his examination of Darrin, describing it in great detail and using the terms for each part of the female anatomy down there as he went.

Samantha winced at every one.

"Before you go any further," said Darrin, taking out the tickets, "I have something to say. These are tickets to a performance at the opera."

"Oh dear, with all that's happened I'd forgotten that was tonight," said Samantha. "Are you saying you still want to go?"

"No, I'm saying I still want *you* to go. And I want Andrew to take you."

"I will of course, if that's what you want," said Andrew. "Sam?"

"Are you sure about this, Darrin?"

"Very sure. You've done nothing but worry about me since this happened. You need a break and as your husband I'm ordering you to take one, to put all this out of your mind for a while and to enjoy the opera."

"Well, if you say so," she said, sounding uncertain. "What will you do while I'm gone?"

"I'll probably pull out my typewriter and do a little writing, but don't worry about me. Now go on upstairs and get yourself ready for an evening on the town. You need this."

Samantha gave a little smile, nodded, and did just that. When she eventually came back downstairs she had pinned her hair up rather than let it fall about her shoulders as she usually did and was wearing a favourite evening dress. She looked very elegant.

"Enjoy yourself tonight," said Darrin.

"I'll try, darling," she said, leaning down to kiss him on the cheek. "And you be sure not to stay up too late working. You need your rest."

Andrew offered her his arm, she took it, and then they were gone, leaving Darrin alone with his thoughts.

\- 7 -

It had finally come to this as, Darrin now accepted, it was always destined to.

"What...what is this?" said Samantha.

It was two days after Darrin's gynecological examination. Following a long discussion, they had summoned her to a meeting, him, Andrew, and her mother. Now they needed to get her to agree to what they all knew was necessary.

"Something that has to happen, Samantha," said Darrin, "the only way to end this."

"I don't understand. End what? What are you talking about?"

"Darrin has asked us to remove your memories of your time together so that you can move on with your life," said Andrew.

"What? No! Is this your idea, mother?" said Samantha, angrily. "You never approved of our marriage."

"Sam, Sam, this was my decision and mine alone!" said Darrin.

"But why?" she cried. "I love you."

"You love the man you married, but I'm not him any more, and I never will be him again."

"But all the tests Andrew's been doing..."

"Have only served to confirm this isn't something that can be undone," said Andrew. "I'm sorry, Samantha, truly I am."

"No, no, I won't accept that, I won't, I won't!"

She put her hands over her ears.

"I know you won't, darling," said Darrin, "and that's the problem. As long as I'm like this you won't stop feeling guilty over it. But it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. I'd hoped we'd one day have children together, maybe a boy and a girl, but I accept that will never happen now. This is the hand that fate dealt us and we *have* to accept it. I can't be the man you want, and I don't want to cause you any more pain."

"I promised to stand by you no matter what," said Samantha, tears welling in her eyes, "'in sickness and in health', remember?"

"Of course I do, and I love you for it. But this isn't what you signed up for or a situation any of us could have anticipated, so I release you from your vows. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, Sam, but I can't be the man you need, the man you deserve, only a constant reminder of your mistake. Your guilt is consuming you, and I can't bear it. Seeing you this unhappy is killing me, Sam."

"So this is really what you want," she sobbed, "for me to forget ever having known you?"

"It is," said Darrin. "I want you to be happy again, Sam, and this is the only way I know of to make that happen."

She stood there for what seemed like a long time, staring at him and quietly sobbing, before finally giving a small nod of assent.

"Good, now relax and empty your mind, Samantha," said Endora. "Andrew and I will do the rest."

Each of them gently placed a hand on one side of her head, and all three closed their eyes. For a minute or two nothing appeared to be happening, then Andrew and Endora simultaneously opened their eyes and lowered their hands.

"Is it done?" Darrin asked anxiously.

Samantha was standing as motionless as a statue, face expressionless, her eyes still closed.

"Yes, I think so," said Endora, "but I must do something about her appearance."

She passed her hand across her daughter's face, and what had been running mascara and tear-streaked cheeks were instantly restored to the immaculate condition in which Samantha always maintained her make up.

"That's better. Now you need to step outside for a minute, Dunston. I'll vanish, and then it's all up to Andrew."

Darrin did as Endora instructed and stepped outside, knowing as he closed their front door behind him he was closing it on his old life forever.


	4. Chapter 4

\- 8 -

Samantha blinked, momentarily confused as to where she was.

"So what do you think, darling?" said a voice beside her.

She turned and smiled up at the reassuringly familiar figure of Andrew Fortnum.

"You wanted to check out a typical mortal suburban home, but I don't know," she replied, looking around her dubiously. "It seems awfully small."

"Ah, here's the owner now," said Andrew, as the front door opened. "The realtor said she'd meet us here."

It wasn't something Samantha could have explained but as soon as she saw the elderly woman who appeared in the doorway she felt an instant affection for her. The woman looked so adorable that Samantha couldn't help but smile. She went over to her.

"Samantha Dobson," she said, holding out her hand, "and this is my boyfriend Andrew. "Pleased to make your acquaintance. Thank you for letting us view your lovely home."

"Edith Morgendorffer," replied the woman, taking her hand and staring at her wistfully. "I'm pleased to meet you, too."

"Do you live here alone, Mrs Morgendorffer?"

"Miss. Yes, I'm afraid so. There was someone once but it...it didn't work out. We were together less than a year."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that," said Sam, seeing the sweet old lady's eyes glistening. Clearly the loss still hurt. She laid her hand over Edith's and patted it sympathetically.

"Shall I make us all a cup of tea?" she said.

"Yes, if you would. Thank you."

In the kitchen, Samantha put the kettle on, took out cups and saucers, and made the tea. Only as she was carrying the tray through to the living area did it occur to her that she had known where everything was. She frowned, then shook her head. It was odd, yes, but then odd things happened all the time. It wasn't as if she had ever set foot in this house before, after all.

"Ah, good," said Andrew, when Samantha arrived with the tea. "Edith was just telling me about the neighbours. Seems Morning Glory Circle is a bit more colorful than it appears."

"Well, I wouldn't go quite *that* far."

"What was that fuss all about they reported on in The Star Despatch two weeks ago?" asked Samantha as she poured their teas. "Something about a love triangle?"

"That's right," said Andrew. "Two men got in a fight over a seductress who'd been leading them both on. I believe her name was Gladys Kravitz."

Edith's eyes went wide at this, and it looked to Samantha as if she barely managed to stop spitting out her tea. Whoever Gladys Kravitz was she must be quite a woman.

"That was all just a big misunderstanding," Edith explained to them. "Abner and Gladys Kravitz are good neighbors, and about the least likely swingers you could imagine."

A pity," said Samantha. "Something like that adds a bit of character to a place."

She smiled mischievously.

"Well, this has been charming but we really should be going," said Andrew.

"You're right, darling. Thank you, Edith, and please don't get up. We can see ourselves out."

She leaned down to kiss the old woman on the cheek before turning to leave.

"Shall I call us a cab?" Andrew asked when they reached the hallway.

"Whatever for?" said Samantha, giving him a puzzled look. "We're not mortals so why would we want to travel like they do?"

"I couldn't agree more," he replied, with a grin.

Andrew snapped his fingers and the hallway was suddenly empty, with nothing to show they had ever been there.

Behind them they left an old woman staring wistfully into space.

"Goodbye, Samantha", Darrin Stephens whispered, knowing he would never see his wife again.

\- 9 -

When Darrin eventually rose from his chair, he turned to see Endora standing there, waiting for him.

"Is it done?" he asked.

"Naturally. I've transported your clothing and personal belongings and made all the arrangements. The cost will be covered for as long as you live. All that's left now is to move you there."

Darrin looked around him at what had been his married home with Samantha for one final time and nodded.

"Okay, let's do this"

"Yes, let's," said Endora, inscribing a mystical pattern in the air with her hands.

"Shady Pines Retirement Home," said Darrin, as they materialised in his room there. "I'm still not sure about this, Endora."

"Oh, nonsense, Donald. The older you get the more difficult it is to make new friends. You're leaving your old life behind so this will give you quite the best chance of connecting with others your age."

"I guess. And there are staff who'll take care of me in my few remaining years."

"Few remaining...oh dear," said Endora.

"What? Oh dear what?"

"I thought you knew. Magic can't actually make anyone older or younger. If it could Dr Bombay would have been able to keep his mortal wife alive forever. No, what it does is make you look and *feel* older or younger. You still have as much life ahead of you as you always did just, unfortunately for you, as an old woman. You'll look like you do now for decades, until your actual age catches up with your apparent age, in fact. We'll have to relocate you every ten years or so until it does so that no one notices."

"Well that's a fine good news/bad news thing to lay on a fella, I must say!" he said. Then he realised something. "But it still doesn't make any difference to my situation here and now, does it?"

"No, not really."

"Then I'm not going to worry about it. Are you and Andrew ready to do what you promised you would?"

"Of course. We'll masquerade as Mr and Mrs Stephens long enough to quit your job for you, say goodbye to your parents, wrap up your affairs, and tell everyone you and Samantha are emigrating to Australia to start a new life far away from the rat race. We'll take a bunch of photographs together down there and arrange for any mail sent to you in Australia to be forwarded here for you to reply to. That's it, I think. Or have I forgotten something?"

"There's another thing you're supposed to tell my parents."

"Oh, of course. I'm to let your mother know that her aunt Edith has returned to the US and is now living here at Shady Pines so that they'll come and visit you."

"Good. Well that's everything. Looks like I'm going to have to do a lot of reading up on Australia if we're going to pull this off."

"Yes, you are."

Endora studied him for a moment, this woman who had been her son-in-law, then came to a decision.

"I can remove your memories of your time with Samantha," she said quietly, "if it would make all this easier for you."

"Don't you dare! Samantha was the love of my life. I'll cherish our time together for the rest of my days."

"Yet you let her go."

"I had to. Truly loving someone means that their happiness is necessary for your happiness. Seeing Sam so unhappy was almost physically painful for me. I had to let her go. I needed her to be happy, which meant there was no other choice. Knowing that she's out there somewhere, and that she's happy now...that means the world to me, truly it does. I did the right thing for her."

Endora stared at him thoughtfully.

"I may have misjudged you, Darrin Stephens," she said. "You're a better man than I ever realized you were."

"How about that? You finally learned my real name just as I've stopped using it."

"I've always known it," she said, "and you've always known that I did."

"Yeah, I always have," he chuckled. "And you were right about gender pronouns. I'm a woman, which means I have to get used to being referred to as 'she' now."

"So what will you do next?"

"I always intended to write a novel one day, well now I am. It will be based on my time with Sam. I'm going to call it 'I Married a Witch'..."

\- 10 -

In the study of his Manhattan penthouse, Andrew Fortnum took out a bottle of thirty year old malt whisky and poured himself a glass. He held it under his nose for a second or two, savouring its smoky aroma, then wandered across to the floor-to-ceiling window that looked out over Central Park, sipping it as he went. It was night now, but New York was a twenty-four hour city so light shone out from almost every building. Standing there, admiring the view, he felt blessed, and he found himself thinking back on all that he had done last year to arrive at this happy state.

Unlike his fellow witches and warlocks, Andrew had always been fascinated by stage magicians. As possessors of real magic his people had no use for those they saw as frauds and mountebanks pulling wool over the eyes of gullible mortals, and dismissed them as mere showmen. For his part Andrew appreciated their skill and their dedication to their craft. At first, it had been the ingenuity of the illusionists and the sleight-of-hand of the card sharps that had attracted his interest, but in more recent years he had become increasingly drawn to those who used the power of suggestion and psychological manipulation as the basis of their acts. The idea of being able to get someone to do things without them realising their choices were not their own both fascinated and excited him. Here was magic without magic, something genuinely powerful that mortals had developed on their own. If you tried using magic to make a witch or warlock do something they would know, but this was something they would be just as susceptible to as any mortal. Realising this he had studied under the practitioners of these techniques, learning everything they knew. Non-magicians were also developing these techniques and he consulted with them, too. Among themselves this latter group had started referring to this stuff as neuro-lingustic programming.

Andrew had used actual magic on the mortals, of course, first to cause the woman to move to Morning Glory Circle, and then to have the man follow her in a jealous rage. He had programmed them to act in such a way, and to say exactly the right words and phrases, that would get Samantha to react as she had. Though she had no way of knowing it, she was playing her role in a drama that went precisely the way Andrew had designed it to. The trickiest part of the whole thing had been getting her to turn Darrin into an old woman.

Andrew sipped his Scotch, remembering what a knotty problem that had seemed at first.

Seeing her husband as an old person would give Samantha a view of what the future held and, Andrew hoped, would make her realise the mistake she had made in marrying a mortal. However, she must have realised going into the marriage that he would get old. She was such an essentially good natured person he could see her staying with Darrin even then. If he were male. Sam was a very passionate, very sexual witch. Which was why Darrin had to become an old woman rather than an old man. Ensuring that he would had required Andrew to involve himself in the drama he was scripting personally. But then he had already done so for many months in preparation for this.

Soon after hearing of Samantha's marriage to Darrin, Andrew had started taking the forms of various individuals who flitted in and out of the couples' lives, learning all he could about the mortal and figuring out how best to win Samantha back.

Andrew liked acquiring knowledge, and loved solving puzzles. It was that latter skill that had enabled him, after much study of Dr Bombay's notes on his late wife's condition and much experimentation on small animals, to unlock the secret of how to reset someone's base form and to then lock that change in place. This, he knew, would be the key to everything.

Andrew opened a drawer in his desk and lifted out the brown cap and overalls he had worn after transforming himself into Pleasure O'Riley's moving man. Beneath them lay a reproduction of a famous painting. He picked this up and smiled. As the moving man he had deliberately dropped Pleasure's chest of drawers knowing the commotion would bring Darrin Stephens running. When they were both holding that piece of furniture he had surreptitiously placed a spell on him, one designed to interact with Samantha's own later spell. She had followed Darrin out, of course, which was where the reproduction came in. He had placed it there prominently among Pleasure's possessions where she couldn't fail to see it - Whistler's Mother. With the image now firmly planted in Samantha's subconscious he knew it was the one that would influence her at the appropriate moment.

They say that all's fair in love and war, and Andrew had loved Samantha since the moment they first met. He held no ill will towards Darrin Stephens, but in marrying such a mayfly creature as a mortal man Samantha had temporarily lost her mind. What he had done was for the best, not only for himself but for her, too. He had saved her from a situation that could only ever have ended in heartbreak.

"Are you coming back to bed, darling?"

He turned and there was Samantha leaning against the doorframe, smiling seductively and looking magnificent in her black lingerie and five inch heels.

"In a minute, honey," he replied. "There's something I need to finish here first."

"Okay, but don't be too long."

"I won't," he promised, as she turned and went back to their bedroom.

Andrew made a mystic pass over the painting and clothing, all of which then instantly vanished, consigned to oblivion. This done, he closed the drawer and headed to the bedroom to rejoin his beautiful wife.

"""""""""""""

The End

"""""""""""""


End file.
